Cruel Optimism

I did try hard to try this in Vietnamese in regards to my Viet peeps because I do want all of them to read my thoughts. But I wrote it and read it for days and all I got were 4 paragraphs of poorly structured sentences with no solid meanings in Viet. Even I wanted to puke reading the piece so yeah English it is and frankly, I'm not so confident in my ability in this language now. I thought I was so great at it until I was put in a room with 20 other English natives.

Three weeks ago, I was constantly cringing in every English 101 class. I hated the topics and the novels. The only great things about this class is that, there are two many handsome guys, who would explain anything I ask and an incredibly inappropriately funny teacher, who is honestly one of the wisest men I ever met. The central topic we've been exploring is Cruel Optimism. I hated it because basically what I understood was that the concept talks about things we're trying to achieve, thinking that if we get them, we'd be much happier. Or worse, even if we knew that it doesn't make us happy, we'd still try to reach for it because if we don't, there are nothing for us to get up everyday and live through unwanted present reality. I was like "what a fucked up theory, and why would anyone want to be this negative?"

After a month of spending hours with a dictionary, too many books in a forced manner, I think I'm starting to like it, not in a driving-down-the-negative-road-kind-of-way, but surprisingly in a realisation of a more positive aspect of life. Moreover, the more I spent effort getting to learn the subject in class, the teacher revealed so many things we never really had the chance to observe closer. One boy in class who likes to express his feelings instantly makes me giggle every time after the teacher says some mind blown facts.

Once he asked that "Why do people like In n Out?" many said (including me) that the burgers and fries are fresh, then he claimed that every beef patty in USA comes from one source, which is McDonalds, "How fresh do you think In N Out now? The only fresh thing is the fucking fries and even they become disgusting after 10 minutes". My mind was blown, everyone was quite, except for the guy I described before, "Fuck damn! That's so damn twisted!", he screamed.

That's not the end of the conversation, he then asked "Why does people love Las Vegas?". Other excited "Because it's glamorous!". "Yes! It's all glamour and amour because people believe it to be, they want to escape their boring life, and every now and then, every body seems to go to Vegas the minute they have holiday. Why? You can see Lady Liberty or Eiffel Tower or canoeing on the Venice canals in Vegas, because you can't fucking afford to actually go to the real places. And every room in the hotels is suite. If all rooms are suites, there are no fucking suites. Do you know what suite is? It's a fucking apartment with a butler and everything. It's an illusion human being tell themselves to believe because their reality is shitty (or may I interpret that they are not happy with even if it's a good reality). Oh I'm staying in a suite in Vegas, it's not presidential suite but it's good enough! Oh I'm visiting Las Vegas and I can see Paris, Venice, New York, well sort of but that's good enough!"

Dang it! I feel like my mind is twisted the moment I walk into his class. And I can't be more excited to study more, yet 3 weeks ago, I couldn't wait to change the teacher.

In a more detailed explanation, cruel optimism refers to the concepts of living a good life that we imagine ourselves living in the future: the well-paid, respected career; an expensively decorated house; a well mannered, wonderfully loving spouse; the happy family; the good-looking, smart, successful kids; the desired accessories screaming out loud how much we're making, ie. a Porshe 911, a caviar quilted classic Chanel flap; a priceless Richard Mille; a 5 star trips around the world (preferably to exotic destinations); a bank account with enough money to acquiring anything for at least a hundred lifetimes; and a body that makes even the same sex straight person fantasises about us. Well at least this is my fantasy to a good life.

I think I've been hoarding these concepts, and tucked back in my mind securely for my fantasy - A good life. Where are they from? Maybe the TV shows, magazines, acquaintances and family, and the most popular sources of all - social medias. Every goals of mine are challenged and I realise I am one fucked up human being in her little world. I'm too superficial and materialistic, even though I refuse to believe it all the fucking time. Until now, I finally diagnosed my own disease, and it's called cruel optimism.

The first time my father ever bought me my own scooter, I always thought to myself to buy a reasonably priced in my own range, something real simple and suitable for a broke student. But no, I couldn't resist convincing my father into buying a more expensive one, a Vespa, which was even desired by my 30 year old something friends of mine back in the day. They told me I was spoiled but I defended myself because I was accepted to study Law at Monash so my parents awarded me. I didn't realise I was a brat. Until recently, I bought my first ever car, with full understanding that I am a student with low budget, still what did I get? A mini cooper, I wanted it so bad, firstly because it was a sport model and second, I felt more superior than driving a Toyota. Costly and superficial, then now what, I got it, now what? These are just the simplest choices I made, how much could I be more unreasonable when it comes to my spouse or my career?

I don't know how to get out of this. I'm so focused on the future and I forget about the present. Slowly, it occurs to me that it's gonna be way more depressing if I achieve my good life, then there will be a whole new, better, improved "good life" concepts that makes me unhappy with my life again. Like how many times have you heard stories about men who finally married the one he was absolutely crazy for when he had nothing, then once he started to become more successful, suddenly he felt to urge to have a hotter and younger 20 something year old to make him fulfilled, telling his dearly wife his mistress is the love of his life? As a man, you might think this is normal, but as a son, how would you feel for your mother, and as the wife, how hurt could it be? Is it destined? Or is it just humans making themselves miserable?

Why do I keep my fantasies on the pedestal instead of my current self? I am happy and am not simultaneously and that is bullshit. For years, reading Buddhism wisdoms, I have consistently wondered why they always tell us to let go of our ego, materialism, romantic love. I knew all along that they make us disappointed in life, you got it you would want better, improved, new things, you couldn't have it, you would feel shame, unconfident about yourself for being a loser, a never ending shitty loop. But I assure myself it's healthy to desire, if there is no goal, then what will I have in life to look up to? Nothing! Boy I was wrong! BIG TIME!

I think I have said this a lot, but I'm grateful I know better at this young age, because I don't want to wake up at 40, successful and well-rounded but always feel indefinitely empty. And someone out there who happen to read my blog, I hope you'd know better too. Be happy now or forever chasing the horizon!