I don't know what is going on and whatever it is, God better make up for me for all this shit. I'm just too tired
Sunday, February 16, 2020
Sunday, December 22, 2019
Recently I was put in a weird situation and I never expected myself to be this awkward. I like hanging out with this girl and genuinely want to see her regularly. It started to get weird when her long term boyfriend has had inappropriate actions towards me, and three of us noticed that. While I have been keeping it straight that I won't do any funny business with a such a fucking guy, she started to become more insecure and I can totally myself in the same situation 1 year ago. I feel so bad for her because she still loves this guy so much, but I don't have the heart to tell her the reality that she is with an asshole. I mean who would admit that they were in a committed relationship with a dickhead, well one sided commitment actually. It is sad that I could see the break up in the future when she either got so tired of his shit or he found another girl that would accept such a personality. I just wish that she has the strength to end it now because for many more years of misery can be avoided staying with such a bad person. But then again, would she take the leap of faith to walk out of a relationship that seems true since it was real once, but has no longer work when everything is constantly changing?
Another story of an older friend that I consider as my big sister. After all, we have the same story, well almost the same. I found out a year later after meeting her husband that they were in a 6 year relationship before getting married. My jaw dropped so hard hearing that because I literally saw no fucking love in his eyes and that I thought they were just two lonely souls that found each other and decided to get married 6 months later to put up with the pressure of being in their 30s and not married. They broke up for a little while and saw other people, but somehow he insisted on getting back together because she dated a better guy. Her eyes lid up telling how he couldn't find a better one to be his wife like she won some sort of competition. I felt like the idea of this is so romanized the fact that he went on to have a full fled relationship of another then went back to her. I mean he must have loved her so much that he wants her back right? Or maybe he is just a dipshit that realized he slipped a good one and conveniently knows that she'd be loyal to him, while he could be out and about eyeing the opposite sex. I could never get over this fact, been there done that and it was too hard to deal with. I thought I won something but in fact I had to deal with a fake and the girl I thought was the loser dodged a bullet, man good for her. Back to the story of my friend, after they got married, every problem that broke them is always there, on the surface and either has the balls to leave. And every single day, she is tired of his personality and complains. I adore her so much and have tolerated the urge to tell her she could meet a better if she is willing to lose who she thinks is the love of her life.
I see myself in both scenarios and I wish my friends would see better. Took years for me to realize this lesson myself and I didn't know why I always root for such a horrible person while still resenting and disgusting him. But who is ever clear and awake when they are still bombarded with love hormone. Maybe taking a leap of faith to see what's out there is so much better than staying in a relationship that leads no where.
Another story of an older friend that I consider as my big sister. After all, we have the same story, well almost the same. I found out a year later after meeting her husband that they were in a 6 year relationship before getting married. My jaw dropped so hard hearing that because I literally saw no fucking love in his eyes and that I thought they were just two lonely souls that found each other and decided to get married 6 months later to put up with the pressure of being in their 30s and not married. They broke up for a little while and saw other people, but somehow he insisted on getting back together because she dated a better guy. Her eyes lid up telling how he couldn't find a better one to be his wife like she won some sort of competition. I felt like the idea of this is so romanized the fact that he went on to have a full fled relationship of another then went back to her. I mean he must have loved her so much that he wants her back right? Or maybe he is just a dipshit that realized he slipped a good one and conveniently knows that she'd be loyal to him, while he could be out and about eyeing the opposite sex. I could never get over this fact, been there done that and it was too hard to deal with. I thought I won something but in fact I had to deal with a fake and the girl I thought was the loser dodged a bullet, man good for her. Back to the story of my friend, after they got married, every problem that broke them is always there, on the surface and either has the balls to leave. And every single day, she is tired of his personality and complains. I adore her so much and have tolerated the urge to tell her she could meet a better if she is willing to lose who she thinks is the love of her life.
I see myself in both scenarios and I wish my friends would see better. Took years for me to realize this lesson myself and I didn't know why I always root for such a horrible person while still resenting and disgusting him. But who is ever clear and awake when they are still bombarded with love hormone. Maybe taking a leap of faith to see what's out there is so much better than staying in a relationship that leads no where.
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Time
Time is a hard concept to convey. I mean I just looked at all the trips I've had for the last 15 years and I can't even recall a little bit of memories about them. Did I ever go through these experiences? I mean that's so insane to think I cannot remember anything that happened in my life.
I recently finished reading The Power of Now properly. The last time I read that book was 3 years ago and my head went insane. I didn’t understand and kinda imagined the whole scene where Mr. Eckhart Tolle was high on the most powerful drug. I remembered hanging out with an older friend and he was just explaining everything. He went on telling me how time had passed every second when I just dwelled with the past and worried about my future. I looked at him like an insane man who probably escaped the asylum to lecture me about life.
I have a weird sensation last year since I started to think more about what I want, and it got so uncomfortable to move on with the focus on myself. I didn't want to piss off anyone and especially the person I thought I wanted to be with. It's funny how I looked at thoughts I posted privately on my Facebook, I have always felt the same, unappreciated, insecure and confused, but I kept this illusion of a great man could come out of an immature person who doesn't know jackshit about himself. I'm so glad I got out of it, and got the strength to finally say fuck him until the addiction to the attachment to what could have been in my mind wore off. I'm so free!
Time does heal everything folks, at least I got this message that 3 years ago I wouldn't believe. Disappointment from discovering the perfect perception a man created are totally false hopes. Trust your instinct, love yourself, and get the fuck out of a toxic relationship!
I recently finished reading The Power of Now properly. The last time I read that book was 3 years ago and my head went insane. I didn’t understand and kinda imagined the whole scene where Mr. Eckhart Tolle was high on the most powerful drug. I remembered hanging out with an older friend and he was just explaining everything. He went on telling me how time had passed every second when I just dwelled with the past and worried about my future. I looked at him like an insane man who probably escaped the asylum to lecture me about life.
I have a weird sensation last year since I started to think more about what I want, and it got so uncomfortable to move on with the focus on myself. I didn't want to piss off anyone and especially the person I thought I wanted to be with. It's funny how I looked at thoughts I posted privately on my Facebook, I have always felt the same, unappreciated, insecure and confused, but I kept this illusion of a great man could come out of an immature person who doesn't know jackshit about himself. I'm so glad I got out of it, and got the strength to finally say fuck him until the addiction to the attachment to what could have been in my mind wore off. I'm so free!
Time does heal everything folks, at least I got this message that 3 years ago I wouldn't believe. Disappointment from discovering the perfect perception a man created are totally false hopes. Trust your instinct, love yourself, and get the fuck out of a toxic relationship!
Friday, November 8, 2019
Lies I've told
1. "You're the first one that I ever loved!", said to two people actually
2. "I love you!"
3. "I was only interested in business with him, nothing was more than that!"
4. "It was the first time I did this, I didn't know better!"
5. "I think I want to be married to you!"
6. "You look good in these clothes!"
7. "I miss you!" translated to "I'm hungry"
8. "I've only got my eyes on you!" then proceed to secretly look for another to flirt with.
9. "I'm sorry!" no was not for a little bit
10. "I've been good to you and you're just hurting me!"
11. "I had a great time with you."
12. "I think you're a good man and you're nothing like your dad."
13. "We're soulmate!"
11. "I had a great time with you."
12. "I think you're a good man and you're nothing like your dad."
13. "We're soulmate!"
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
So I dropped off my mom this morning. I don't know why I don't feel relieved since living her again made feel invaded and uncomfortable. We never get along with each other but she always gives me whatever I want even that comes with a lot of complaints. I bawled my eyes out for the entire ride home. I do miss her a lot and I wish I could say more nice things to her, hug her long enough so she wouldn't push me away to avoid the awkward goodbye that definitely would end up in tears. I wish I could be with her when she got sick because I cannot imagine how painful it was for her, since I saw the scar on the left side of her stomach. I shed a tear and quickly hid my face away. I never feel so alone atm, I don't even know what am I feeling. I love you mom! Even if I cannot express it I love you very much!
Monday, July 1, 2019
Daily conversation #4
- Have you ever thought about another guy while you were dating him?
- Now that you’ve asked me about this, I honestly think about it all the time and that if I could find another one who was better, I’d dump him ghost him and hurt him in the most possible way.
- That’s harsh! I thought you were really in love with each other!
- I guess so, but there is no point sugar coating it anyway. It was so toxic and we were as lost as each other and though I pretended to be innocent and good all the time. I wish I had the courage to be as bad and hurt him the way he hurt me. I never wanted to be his and his forever. I hated his gut but was too chicken to leave.
- Did you regret anything?
- I do, about a lot! I regret I was in such a bad relationship but I never realized that. It was great to know what I do not like in a relationship, somehow, I experienced every bad thing in one. If it ended somewhere I could look back and think, he was such a great guy and we just didn’t work out, that’d be so much better.
- Now that you’ve asked me about this, I honestly think about it all the time and that if I could find another one who was better, I’d dump him ghost him and hurt him in the most possible way.
- That’s harsh! I thought you were really in love with each other!
- I guess so, but there is no point sugar coating it anyway. It was so toxic and we were as lost as each other and though I pretended to be innocent and good all the time. I wish I had the courage to be as bad and hurt him the way he hurt me. I never wanted to be his and his forever. I hated his gut but was too chicken to leave.
- Did you regret anything?
- I do, about a lot! I regret I was in such a bad relationship but I never realized that. It was great to know what I do not like in a relationship, somehow, I experienced every bad thing in one. If it ended somewhere I could look back and think, he was such a great guy and we just didn’t work out, that’d be so much better.
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